This kind of sign is common in places with heavy machinery where the weather gets very cold, the work is very boring or–god forbid–both.
Never saw one translated to English before.
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Pleasure Basket Review , Pingdu Qingdao Shandong 09/10/2011
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a Chinese 3-star hotel with interesting amenities. Part of it has to do with a light travel schedule. Part of it has to do with the Durex Syndrome: the condom manufacturer has been gaining market share and pushing out smaller, funkier brands. But a few days ago I was in Pingdu, Shandong and the offerings were pleasantly amusing.
The condoms were “Nightlight Condom” (Sensitivity Rating: A+), touted on the back as the No. 1 American choice, “the most pleasurable condom you’ll ever use,” and “Launched to American Media Raves.” A quick Googling led me to a website for Nightlight Condoms, a glow-in-the-dark condom.
Okay.
There was also a vibrating condom, which comes in handy when a woman isn’t immediately available.
For pre-sex prep, there was his-and-hers aphrodisiac ointments.
It wasn’t clear what the woman’s did, but the man’s made him last “2 or 3 hours.”
Post-coital, there were the usual his-and-hers genital washes.
For the extremely cautious, there was a sort of super wash. With the main ingredient of O-9, it promised to kill off all kinds of venereal diseases, including sperm and AIDS.
Finally, there was a bottle hair-styling gel. Controversial choice, but of course hair can be found all over the body.
Have you eaten?
YFFM has an article about culture differences. It made me think of the way people greet each other.
Asians like to say, “Have you eaten?” 吃饭了没？
Westerners ask, “How are you?”
I had a friend who had learnt himself pretty good English, and we had known each other long enough to where I felt we were friends. One time he asked me, “How are you?” This is how they teach Chinese students to greet us foreign devils. Sadly, his education hadn’t prepared him for the day when said devil sees you as an equal, and unleashes an honest answer upon you. I told him that I felt like slitting my wrists while jumping off a tall building onto the heads of my worst enemies.
A western friend might have laughed it off or sympathized, but the poor guy was Asian to the core. Gallows humor is not their thing. He looked at me kind of startled, unable to compose a reply.
What the fuck dude, said the expression on his face: I just wanted to know if you’d eaten or not.
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Bad Panda Brewery Begins
The first step in what should become Bad Panda Brewery has begun. Step one is the simplest of kits, recommend by The Giraffe, bought on Taobao.
According to the literature, beer from a kit like this should taste somewhere between OK and terrible. Anything better than mosquito repellent would be success.
Adventures in Chinese Dentistry, Part V & VI & VII….
“You probably won’t feel any pain, but you might feel uncomfortable.”
I’ve combined a few episodes of Open Your Mouth and Tighten Your Sphincter into this post. It started to get tiring, going all the way from the Jungle to the city and back again, endlessly working on the tooth.
It’s over now. I’m thousands of RMB poorer, but I have a fully-functioning rear molar. I kind of wish I’d had it pulled. It was a shitty experience. I was in the dentist for a total of ten hours.
Killer food.
My uncle sent me this link.
It’s a popular news item, the killer food of the week. Soy sauce made from hair, fake eggs, pork passing as beef. When I see these articles I mostly think, slow news week. I suppose if you’re bored of the temporal nature of existence it’s something fresh to worry about. But then you think about how fat Americans are and, well, maybe a little malnutrition keeps you at optimum weight.
I eat the most healthy when the Hindu-in-Chief is in town; she’s really fussy about food. It’s clean and tasty, but all the stress in putting together a meal causes me an ulcer. That’s the trade off: time and stress. There’s the shopping, but then there’s also the eating off of clean plates (rather than directly out of the frying pan), serving dishes, doing the dishes afterwords and generally behaving like a civilized human being.
Adventures in Chinese Dentistry, Part IV
Went in for part III of my root canal, but the bamboo man got bamboozled.
After I sat down, the dentist — not the same one as last time — said we’d be doing a cleaning and cavity filling.
What? I asked. What about the root canal? Because, you know, this is what I traveled three hours for….
Not today, he said.
But I don’t want my teeth cleaned, I said.
He tried to shove a mirror in my face. I kung-fu’ed it away. I know what my teeth look like, a little yellow after a couple of decades of disregard, thick lines of tarter near the gums. But I don’t work in Hollywood, I work in manufacturing: sometimes it pays to appear scary.
Teeth cleaning is part of Project Tortilla Chip, but it’s not till the very end and besides–why would I want it done in the most expensive place in China? Paying their prices, I might as well have it done in Hong Kong or Switzerland. I was married to them for the root canal thing, but anything beyond that was for their benefit, not mine.
“Why don’t you want your teeth cleaned?” he asked, pretending to be baffled.
“I don’t want them cleaned because they don’t hurt. This,” I said, pointing to my upper molar, “Hurt, and needs attention.”
“They should be cleaned,” he said.
“I’m going to kill myself later this year,” I said. “I don’t need clean teeth when I’m dead.”
He sighed, and showed me a black spot at the base of a cuspid. “This should be filled.”
We went back and forth. Long story short, I got played. Eventually I went through with the cavity filling and teeth cleaning. I knew I got played when they suggested a time for my next appointment: “Tomorrow?” Tomorrow? If that’s the case why didn’t we take care of this shit today? Because, of course, they had to milk the mouth for every penny before the root canal is up. They lured me in on the pretense of continuing my root canal and pulled the old bait-and-switch.
Fkucers.